July...

It's the end of July.

Five months.

It's been five damned months and I still can't forget.

I hate it. I don't want to feel.

I'm just going through the motions this week.

I guess I'm pretty damned obvious. I walk in with a black face every morning and not expect Ms Yeo to notice? How dumb can I be?

Dad's worried enough about little sis. Mum's working late every day and worrying about me AND little sis because of A's and PSLE. I don't need to give them something else to worry about. So what if I'm depressed. I'd best just get a move on.

WL shouldn't be the on in counseling. He's the one who definitely seems fine. I'm obviously not fine.

I'm being selfish, I know. I'm not affecting my friends. Hmmph. What friends? As I quote from Freddie, "Cook doesn't have friends, just people he knows!" Tim's been practically ignoring me since school reopened. YP and WL try to keep me in the conversations, but sometimes, I'm just not interested.

I talk random stuff with the kids on Saturdays, distracts me for a while. Reminds me of what life was like before I met her.

Sometimes, it's all just a mask that I pull.

I want to forget, dammit. I thought things were fine after Mr Leong gave me that talk. But I woke up at the start of the week thinking. "I'm forgetting something."

Then idiot me just had to look at my calendar to realise exactly what I was forgetting.

I haven't got over her. Every time I walk home, it's the exact same route which she walked with me. Every time in the damned train, I think of how we sat there, laughing happily.

Worse, when I walk past a clothes shop with WL and YP on the way home, I'll just suddenly think that "Hey, she'd like that dress."

Fuck la.

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me.

I don't know anymore.

Touchy-Feely: Ginny and Harry.

I watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince yesterday! It was funny how characters with near zero screen time suddenly were the main focus in the movie. (Lavender Brown...) I really hope that the role didn't put a dent in her acting, although I thought it was quite exaggerated. Maybe they were staying true to the book, but seriously...

Ginny and Harry were cute, though. I mean seriously, she steps out of the bathroom in nothing but a robe, you two stare at each other like it's nobody's business, then she HELPS YOU TIE YOUR SHOELACE! Well, the timing of the attack sucked, though. I still find it quite interesting how Ginny can get through the fire while the ADULTS, (An Auror, a Werewolf and an experienced Wizard can't get through!) can't. Seriously, are Quidditch Players THAT fast?

Oohh... Hermione Granger was Scary. Yup, Scary with capital "S", if slightly on the PMSing side. One second, she's crying on Harry's shoulder, next moment, she sends birds with razor sharp beaks flying at her supposed love. I mean... Wow. Ron's an idiot, as usual. But I really thought he was doing that name thing in the hospital wing on purpose. But I guess I'll leave that to book Seven to finish up.

Undeniably, the couple that steals the show away is Ginny and Harry. Bonne Wright has definitely matured and grown over the years. (She's taller than Daniel) And while I haven't seen her appearing in clothes as... for lack of a better term, lavish, as Emma Watson, she's filled out pretty well too. They're the cutest couple in the movie, in both their actions (Uncertainty and pure sweetness) and the chemistry. They did a pretty good job. Especially with the cuddling and the hugs, right at the end of the movie.

*Sigh.* I'm jealous. No. Not the making out *Shivers at the thought* (Lavender Brown wasn't that pretty anyway, I sorta expected someone slightly more... elegant.) I'm jealous of the shoulders that they have to cry on. Yes, I know they're not really crying, but their characters are. The days where I could lie on someone's lap and cry are over. Hey, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm the depressed version of the functioning alcoholic. But life waits for no one, and I'd better function faster.

I guess I still do love her. No one forgets their first love, right? I hope I'm recovering, I've crushed on a junior. Lol. Either way, NS comes, and the girlfriends go, besides, it's the A's, and I won't be having much of a life anyway.

If there's one thing I like about the Christians, it's this. They always give thanks, even for the smallest things. I like it, because it reminds me that every small thing that I have, every small blessing will accumulate and eventually make you happy. Right now, I'm just thankful that I do have friends to talk to. (Hey, they're few, but they're real close. Love you, jie.)

I'm no Christian, but I'll give thanks for my closest friends who always lend me an ear when I'm troubled. Even bigger thanks to ZJ when I start talking damned weird and depressed, while he's obviously uncomfortable with it, he puts up with it, simply because he knows I need someone to rant to. Thanks a lot, buddy.

People go through mid-life identity crisis.

I seem to be having a teen-life identity crisis. What am I coming to? Seriously. Every time I look into the mirror, I see this boy staring right back at me. I greet him good morning and I ask. "Who are you?"

That's a question that nobody can answer. If you CAN answer that question... then... You're pretty darn sure of your own identity, aren't you?

Every time I'm troubled and I head to my piano, first piece I automatically start playing is Reflection. The chorus is beautiful. "Who is that girl I see, staring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, who I am inside."

It's a beautiful piece. The movie version was far better than the album version that Disney released, though. Who am I? Hmmm... I'm just a kid, I suppose. Age is only a number. I'm eighteen, so what?

I've found a pretty cool drama serial called "Skins." Well... It's not what I would usually dabble in, which is action/adventure, romance and childish dreams... But it's about sex, drugs, and life. I think it's a really good series to watch. It's only got 10 Episodes, at about 40 minutes each.

I took one look at the three guys that appeared in the first show, and I thought. "Wow, you can't have three guys who are more different and yet are best friends." We have a crazy bastard who thinks with his dick. (James Cook.) A socially inept genius, (JJ.) and the sensible one who eventually gets sick of saving their asses (Freddie.)

I thought. My God. If Jun Xiang, Teck Guan and me were best friends, (Cue vomiting), we'd probably be exactly like that. (Minus the drugs.)

Nothing really interesting happened. So there's no particular Hope for today. Just a really cool drama called Skins: Season 3. Romance is a part of life, after all. Besides, Effy's really good eye candy when she's not depressed and wearing so much damned eyeliner. (But she's got a great deal of depth to her character too... Manipulative...) Go watch it and see.